He’s a Mustache Machine!

By: Jerry Landry

He shaves it off. It reappears above his lips two days later. Some call this a blessing. He regards it as a curse.

This upper lip follicle factory has been in constant “eager beaver” production mode since shortly after his 13th birthday. Since this time, he has been irresistible to both women and pedophilic freight handlers alike.

“At first [when growing mustaches] I thoroughly enjoyed the attention… but now, it’s out of hand… how in the hell can I get out of the limelight, especially when one half of my mustache and glasses disguise is easily recognizable?” 

That is just a microcosm of the hell that Luke Langley has to deal with on a daily basis.

When TWID first found out about this man and his mustache growing ability, one word came to the minds of our staff almost unanimously… “Awesome.” It wasn’t until we talked to Luke Langley, that we truly learned that heavy is the face that wears the mustache.

“Honestly, it just sucks. I go to a professional sporting event, and within minutes of sitting down, I’m noticed on ‘fan cam’… My ‘stache gets blown up on the jumbotron, and people graciously applaud… Truth be told… I hate the attention and I hate the scrutiny.”

Well Luke, why don’t you just shave it off? “Because in 48 hours, it has completely grown back.”

What an unbelievable life Luke leads.

Luke reported to us that he has spent an estimated $26,000 on razor blades over the course of the last 3 years. “That’s nearly one-third of my taxable income,” he says.

But what about all the attention he gets from women? “It’s great at first, but within weeks I realize that they were only dating me to get to my mustache… have you ever delivered flowers to the doorstep of a woman whom you thought loved you, but she ended up slamming the door in your face because you were clean shaven? It’s happened to me… It has happened to me.”

Those words resonated deeply with us. However, we too were hypnotized by this man’s brilliant mustache, and could not gather much more substance from the interview. A lot was said when we sat down with Luke, but little was actually recorded.

After the conclusion of the interview, we were left with a mixed bag of emotions. A part of TWID really wanted to reach out and just give Luke a hug. The remaining majority of us though, had a strong inkling to exploit this mustachioed maverick into the cash cow that he truly is. We began to think… If we could truly harness that mustache, the cashflow would be immense. Within weeks we could make Luke an icon. We could envision him becoming a Playgirl centerfold. We could foresee him being the new Hormel Chili spokesperson. His potential, in our minds at least, appeared limitless, and we were ready to take full advantage of Luke and his natural talent, regardless of how the mustachioed Mr. Langley truly felt.

All of this brings us back to a common theme prevalent in Society today. Do we merely use talented people for their talents? Do we truly appreciate them for who they are, or do we whore them out for the service they provide? We’re not really sure there is a good answer to any of these questions. Then again, we really haven’t been able to think too clearly ever since we saw that dazzling ‘stache.

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